Shebani Rao
“A Pitch for a Taco Bell Cantina”
Editor’s Note: Read on desktop for intended formatting
INT. COFFEE SHOP – AFTERNOON
A REAL ESTATE BRO – early thirties, preppy – is sitting in the middle of a trendy coffee shop. He’s wearing Air Pods and working on his MacBook. He begins to loudly take a virtual meeting, which we can only hear his side of. He’s oblivious to everyone around him.
REAL ESTATE BRO
(Speaking into his laptop)
Can you all hear me? Can you see me? Do you feel me? Ok good. I’ve been at this real estate firm for about a year now, so it’s great to finally connect. I’ve heard a lot about you brokerage guys – you’re absolute legends! Let’s dive right in. Have you guys been to Taco Bell recently? Did you know that you can get married there? Haha! So crazy right?
The other coffee shop patrons start exchanging looks and giggling. REAL ESTATE BRO doesn’t notice.
REAL ESTATE BRO
(Speaking into his laptop)
Have you heard of the Cantina? It’s the Taco Bell where you can get drinks and stuff. That’s why I was asking about the nightlife in Las Vegas in my email. I know there’s plenty, but I think it would be a great value-add to build a Cantina.
Honestly, I was having lunch in the area, and I found there were very limited options. That’s why I think a Cantina would be a great addition.
Young people, they like to go out and drink, specifically at Taco Bell. Mhmm. Yes, you guys are catching my drift.
Oh, other options? Well, we are part of this restaurant group that manages all kinds of chains. So, there are other restaurants we could pull in as well. But really, I could work with any of those guys to build a Cantina. We already have a building. It used to be a wig store. We think it would just be perfect.
The coffee shop patrons start rolling their eyes. REAL ESTATE BRO continues undeterred.
REAL ESTATE BRO
(Speaking into his laptop)
What’s that? Further north? Well, let me check. Hmm, it’s not very densely populated. It kind of seems like it’s just the middle of the desert. So, I’d really suggest focusing on the Strip.
Listen, have you guys heard of McDonalds? We’re trying to get Taco Bell to be as big as McDonalds. They have 13,000 locations, we have 7,500. That’s embarrassing. Hold on, my battery is running low. Let me find an outlet.
REAL ESTATE BRO wanders around the coffee shop with his laptop and charger and gets in everyone’s way.
REAL ESTATE BRO
(Speaking to patrons while giving reassuring glances at his laptop)
Are you using that? Oh you are? Ok. Whoops, I didn’t mean to step on your laptop. Excuse me, could I please share your very one-person table?
REAL ESTATE BRO scoots on a bench next to a girl at a tiny table. She glares at him and starts packing up her stuff. REAL ESTATE BRO continues the meeting.
REAL ESTATE BRO
(Speaking into his laptop)
Hey guys, I’m back. How long until we find a way for leftover Fire sauce to power electronics?! Haha.
Next steps? Well, I really appreciate this conversation. I wanted to let you know that we are very prepared to be flexible on our end. Our terms are essentially: build a Cantina or we’ll self-destruct. It’s that simple. We are willing to work with you.
So, I could come back to my boss and say, “Hey Matt, I spoke to the broker, and they said they’d be highly interested in investing in a Cantina on the Las Vegas Strip. Let me know if you’d like to talk more.” Does that sound good? Oh, that’s not what you said? My apologies.
The patrons are mumbling, “Can you believe this guy?” to each other. They begin to leave. REAL ESTATE BRO continues.
REAL ESTATE BRO
(Speaking into his laptop)
Okay, I’m gonna be honest here, guys. This is my last shot. I really need this Cantina. My girlfriend broke up with me because I don’t take her anywhere. I’m moving to Las Vegas next month. I need you guys to finance this so I can take her to the Cantina. It’s the only way to win her back.
The last thing she said to me was, “You never take me out to Taco Bell.” Or maybe it was, “You never take me out, go to hell.” I was crying so hard, I couldn’t hear. But I think taking her to the Cantina would fix the situation either way.
I’ll level with you. I don’t even work for a real estate firm. I’m more freelance. Well, free, rather. Actually, are you guys hiring? You could put me to work in the Cantina. I mean like, upper management. Corporate office, that kind of thing. I’m not going to MAKE her tacos.
The remaining patrons stare, open-mouthed, at REAL ESTATE BRO.
REAL ESTATE BRO
(Speaking into his laptop)
Okay, sure, yeah, let’s wrap this up like a chalupa. No, please don’t go! Let me reconvene with my boss and at least get you some more details. Again, my boss is me. I’m Matt. Guys, I will do anything.
Thank you for your time.
REAL ESTATE BRO slams his laptop shut and runs out of the coffee shop, sobbing.
Shebani Rao (she/her/hers) writes and draws things in Philadelphia, usually while eating. You can check out her work on Instagram (@shebanimal). One time, she was in a coffee shop and overheard a Zoom meeting about building a Taco Bell Cantina. She transcribed the whole thing, probably illegally. This piece is about 67% based on true events and 33% made up.
