nat raum
“monologue (none pizza with left beef)”
A cento of “The Great Pizza Orientation Test” by Steven Molaro
the fact that you can type a little on your computer and, in 25 minutes, order pizza online without having to talk to a human—am i right, ladies? the amount of control they give you. you only want a particular topping, but i’ve become obsessed with choosing crust, each topping light, normal, or heavy like tampons. i never paid attention to the way i ordered it—which half? left or right? pepperoni? mushrooms? they even offer a none option. the pizza magically shows up at your door, bad mustache and all. i was curious to see none pizza with left beef, so last night i performed a test. i placed my order. 25 minutes later, robot is at my door with food. it is flat-out sad how excited i was to open the boxes. but the domino’s food synthesizer would not honor my choice. i was forced to choose, really, requesting none pizza with left beef. it’s all arbitrary. but they could at least give me what i wanted. i ate most of it. i realize, as presented, they’re going to put the dividing line exactly 90 degrees up the middle. mushrooms on the left. the whole pizza has lost footing—little beef pellets from the left half didn’t have any sauce or cheese to hang on to. the box guaranteed my satisfaction. no. rotate the pizzas. make it right. refund my money. too late. i request that someone come back to my house to reposition my beef pellets. delivery is the closest thing to the beyond. may be writing a letter this weekend—someday that dude with a bad mustache will be the president of domino’s and my life will be perfect.
nat raum is an anti-capitalization anticapitalist based on occupied Piscataway and Susquehannock land in Baltimore. They can be found online at natraum.com or astral projecting in their local Target.
