Noll Griffin
“Best Wishes”
Thank you for reaching out, it’s always great to hear from you. I regret to inform you that I am no longer available at this time and will continue to be unavailable in the future. I apologize for any inconvenience.
The facility employees were a delight to stay with and I have nothing but positive feedback for their efforts. They posted my CV on my kennel door for visitors to consider with a professional photo they took of me, my age, and my work history. My outdoor run was a great place to network with others and I was pleased with the spirit of teamwork I had the opportunity to engage with across the chilly parade of chain link cubicles. Inside my personal area, next to my mat on the floor, I had a laptop with open tickets I could respond to for stimulation. I was informed that my breed does best on a steady stream of urgent issues that require cross-department communication. There was ample variety in each generated complaint as well as a wide cast of simulated customer perspectives. The familiarity of being insulted for at least six hours every day helped create a more secure, certain environment which I understand can reduce stress during the placement process.
There was access to fresh fruit and coffee every morning along with high protein source rations in the form of crunchy granules filling stainless steel bowls. I hear these granules are marketed as Disruptmeal to the outside world.
My favorite staff member took the liberty of bringing me a cold pizza slice this morning and sat in my kennel with me. She stroked my hair and offered me one of my old band shirts, the one I was found wearing when I showed up begging to stay instead of the white button-down and navy blue tie I was usually given clean each morning. “You’re getting out,” she said with a neutral expression. “Out of the kennel. I’ll show you the rest of this place today before the final check-in meeting.”
She took my CV with her and tossed it in the recycling bin as we circled the interior of the building. I was able to finally see the exercise room where more nervous cases are walked and encouraged to perform yoga poses along with the foosball table and crates of free Club-Mate. I could’ve used some of these amenities anytime, but I was too busy researching free courses available, hoping I could change. Unfortunately I can confirm that none were a good fit, and when I was counseled by employees on what other roles I could fill they agreed that my skills are a better fit for absorbing and placating, as I’m not a full person like they are and should remember how lucky I am to swallow consumer stress and sorrow. It’s so important for them to be able to rely on something like me, someone who can never be hurt in the face of hurtful words or actions.
We reached the exit room soon. Not the exit door, but a room actually marked “Exit.” The real way to leave is located on the other end of the hallway, which we hurried past.
“We couldn’t find an open role for you, not even after eleven months,” the woman in the lab coat said with the cheerful button eyes and single line smile of a corporate art graphic. “We’re very sorry to have to tell you this. If you would like to say anything before we start the dissolution process with you, we’re here to listen.”
“I don’t want to die,” I said.
“Thank you for this valuable feedback.” she said back with the same face as before. “We appreciate you sharing that.”
Unfortunately this feedback was not implemented in time for me to give you good news. I appreciate the patience and concern you have shown for me and would like to apologize for not having the potential we thought I could live up to. Have a wonderful rest of your weekend!
Noll Griffin is a visual artist, writer, and musician based in Berlin, Germany. You can find his various creative adventures on Instagram at @nollprints or on Tumblr/Twitter/Bluesky under @nollthere.
